This is dedicated to my Brother & Sister, Shane & Ryann. May God Bless them in there lives. Ryann, Shane, I love you and miss you no matter what. I pray that you find God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit.
I was abused as a child physically, sexually, verbally & mentally. By family members. That is all I am going to say about that because I'm not going to give them the power by going through my entire life that I was abused to remember the past abuse. I want to focus on the future and what I can do with my life not what I was back then through the abuse.
I have PTSD due to the abuse. I have lived with it many years now. When I first was told I had PTSD I was in a mental hosptial. Suicidal trying to forget. I tried to forget for so many years.
I tried to forget in other ways. I had done eating disorders for many years. Anoreixa, binge eaitng disorder & bulima. The anorexia I used that to finally take control of my life. I was still being abuse at that point. I even wanted to graduate early to get away from that abuse. 
I use to think in my anorexic state that if I lose more I will be happy. The school physcologist kept on saying what is the weight that you will get scared at. I said 120 (I am 5'6") then she asked again then it was 115 and so on. I never was happy losing all that weight. 
I would eat only 800 calories a day. Sometimes even less. I ate some weard foods in those days. Some I wouldn't even eat today
I looked at the thin people in my school and wondered how they got that thin. People found out in the school by one event. We had a cook out in our foods class. I took one bite of the burger. That's it. One bite
My graduation I was not happy at all. I worried about eating more than I worried about anyting else. I even got a award for getting good grades all through high school. I still thought about food. My Mom got a limo to take us to eat but I didn't enjoy it at all. Worried about food. 
After graduation I move to Green Bay with my Mom to move in with my cousin and my aunt. I got down to 109 pounds. I got so mentally ill that I had to go into a mental hospital. I went in and out of mental hosptals for years. Suicide attemps. Many. 
I figured that I killed myself I don't have to go through the flashback, nightmares, intrusive memeories & body memories. I wanted all that to go away not knowing where my soul would go. 
Then I turned to binge eating. I had it before. I started that at age 10 and stopped when I started anoreixa. I would eat and eat and eat. There was no stopping me. The anorexic part of me went nuts when I gained wieght. So I turned to diet pills. I took a big handful one night and thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I was shocked when I woke up the next day. 
At that time we got kicked out of my aunts house and out of the family. I was a wreck. I went into mental hospital. Again and again. I even was in the mental hosptal on CHRISTmas and New Years. I thought I was safe there. Safe from myself, safe from abuse....Yah right! This one hospital is the hospital that left razors inside a suicidal man's lugage and was going to kill himself new years eve. I could go on and on about this and other horrors about being there but it don't pay to. 
I could see the pain in Mom's eye. That didn't seem to fase me one bit. I even told the police officer one time that my Mom didn't care. I apologized for that I don't know how many times. 
During those times I did the choking game. I got a short high off of it so I could forget my past and my PTSD. Mom took all the belts away but I electiric cords. I was hooked on it. I had no one to choke (no one in there right mind would) me so I choked myself. 
I also was doing self-mutlation. I was cutting and hitting my hands and heads on walls and tables. It gave me a high and it made me forget for at least a minute. For some reason every time I tired to hit my head it felt like someone was trying to keep me from hitting my head on the table. I believe God's angels was doing that.
One time I hit my hand so hard and so much that it was swollen and black and blue. I didn't go to the hospital because I knew I would be put back in the mental hospital. At that point I couldn't stand myself. I don't know if it was the memories or just my bipolar. 
I also used drugs. Pain killer, muscle relaxers, & those few times with the diet pills. I got addicted. Useing those made me forget the abuse and helped me with my bipolar. Pain killer and muscle relaxers to calm me down and diet pills to make me feel up.
I hooked up with my Dad again inbetween all of this. I even met his new wife. I felt like I was living a lie. A lie that ate away at me. I had to choose. Contact with my sister and brother or live the lie.
I ended up with the truth. I needed to hear the truth from him. I didn't get the truth but a lie and worse than that I cannot have contact with my brother and sister. That killed me for years. It was a knife in my heart. There was a hole in my heart they can only fill. Around that same time I went from Binge Eating Disorder to Bulima. Eat it up and throw it up. Eating to forget and puring (throwing up) to punish me. I didn't lose any weight I gained weight.
After many years of drugging, suicidal, choking myself, hitting my head and hands on things, cutting myself, doing the eating disorders & doing the choking game. I decided to stop. Then I had to deal with my PTSD head on. 
Many hours of crying, screaming, anger, therapy I finally figured out I am not a victim. I'm a survivor. When I look back I think of this phrase "what satan uses for evil God uses for good. Through all the evil of the abuse God made me stronger and willing to speak to people about my past and how I got here in the first place. 
What happened during all this I found God. I went to church. Heck I was a altar girl for many years but I never believed. One day. One wonderous day I believed. Answering a prayer that Mom has been praying for years. I got baptized on October 16, 2005. 
It hit me one day. I need to forgive those who abused me. It is a every day decision. I am trying my best to do that but I'm not perfect. No one but God is. 
God has me here for a reason. To share this with you so you know you are not alone might be one of them. God only knows.
May God Bless You In Your Life!!!
